Words of Imperfection

Pretty sorry that I left this site to die over the past one year...

Will probably start posting regularly once again.

It has been a huge year, meeting new people, saying goodbye to old friends.

Kind of sad really.

Glad that this blog is kind of private at the moment, since nobody knows about its' existance (:

If anything, I hate people screwing around with me.

If you need me, you will find me.

If not, I'm nothing but a dumped toy anyway.

Like, what's up with you?

When you are happy, you will respond to my texts, whatsapp or even facebook messages.

When you are too busy to care, ignorance will do the job.

Is that IT? Is that really what friendship boils down to? Mock ignorance and misplaced faith and trust?

Really? Sorry to say, but I'm really disappointed at your attitude.

I'm tired of putting on a fake smile that accommodates and pleases everyone around me.

I'm tired of being plastic.

I have feelings.

I'm not a robot.

Neither am I a unfeeling human being.

I'm not flawless, neither are you.

Can you stop picking on me?

When you're upset, you post it on twitter for all to see.

You can say it isn't public shaming, but it is.

It's so obvious that you're trying to humiliate me.

What have I ever done to you to warrant such behaviour?

Nothing. I treated you nicely and never ever said anything relatively bad about you in front of people you know.

Is it worth it? Why should I be the one that stays silent and talks nothing?

When you're upset, you can rant on rave for all you want.

What about me?

When I'm upset, I have to bottle it up and bear with it.

Why?

Because I still have to work with you, damnnit.

This world is sure not fair.

I'm sick of you people.
Sick of your sick mentalities and irrational behaviour.

Goodbye suckers.

Can't wait to get rid of you.

It’s only times like this that I begin to doubt myself.

Am i really making the right decision to stay on?

It’s just annoying and irritating when things don’t work out.

I’m beginning to question whether it’s right for me.

I went in because of interest, but it’s very demoralizing and demotivating when no matter how hard you try, things don’t go your way.

I’m kind of tired of leading on this kind of life.

I’m tired of being untrue to myself.

Just so very demoralized and stressed out.

I don’t mean to be stressed out, it just makes me feel like crap when I understand the things but it doesn’t come out the way I want to.

Sometimes I really want to just tear the paper and just walk out.

Urghhhhhhhh

Probably I just need a major destress and break from debates.

Oh god. I even have eyebags nowwwww :(
NOOOOOOOOOOO :/

Aquarius: Keep her guessing about how close or far away you are, and she'll be in your arms.

Pisces: If you never give up, you'll always have her by your side.

Aries: Be fair. Be just. And you'll be loved.

Taurus: This one loves to feel secure. Offer her nothing less

Gemini: She doesn't just love men of action. There has to be a spiritual side, too.

Cancer: She'll give in if you look at her with those imploring innocent eyes.

Leo: No space for shyness here. Announce your love from the rooftops.

Virgo: She demands perfection. If that's what you live up to, she'll say, "I do."

Libra: Judge your approach well, and she'll have no defence against your prosecution.

Scorpio: To win her over, be tongue in cheek and show her you can speak her language.

Sagittarius: Be free in spirit and outspoken in mind and you'll win her over.

Capricorn: Straightforward talk will attract her more than honeyed words.

i told you the truth.
but i guess, you didn't really need it anyway.
it was just a lure and run plot isn't it?
and being the silly fool i am, i actually really fell for you.

so while i'm missing you,
having sweet dreams of you,
having memories that come out randomly when i go to places that we once went together,
you can enjoy your life.
how unfair it is.

you made me fall hard for you.
& you left me all alone in the end.

Somebody once asked,
how hard was it to say that three words out.
It isn't hard,
but i already know there's no use in letting you know
because whats left of our fragile friendship with each other,
is just our names.
and our handphone numbers.

I was shocked when i realized you havent' deleted my handphone number yet.
Less of a shocker, more of a pleasant surprise.
And glee and delight when you replied my sms.
I could feel life again.
My heart starting beating when i was waiting for your sms.

Thanks for making me feel that way.
Thanks for all the "firsts" you gave me.
Like, the first time i went out with a guy,
the first time I ate with a guy only the two of us,
sitting with only two of us,
being so nervous and frazzled that i didn't even hear your question.
my hands and legs kept shaking like never before.
how i tried my best to stay cool and collected when all i could think was you.
my face when it blushed red whenever i thought and talked about you.
trying to stay unconcerned and none of my business when i heard news about you.
how my heart broke into pieces when i heard the news.
how i tried to act like it didn't matter at all when my heart had just shattered into pieces.
how i had butterflies in my stomach when i was thinking of meeting you.
how i tried to be perfect, hair in place and all when i knew i was going to meet you.
how i always hoped that my lessons end early so that i could train with you.
how i felt disappointed when they didn't and you left without me.
the way i saw visuals of how we used to be, and how distanced we are now.
the way how i would always stare into space, thinking about you.

when i reached a familiar place, i would look around and glance if you were around.
always missing you, always hoping you were near, always wanting you to come to me.
but you never did.

the way i would stare in your face, wondering if you were thinking about me.
how i always wanted to talk to you infront of everybody, but dared not to.
how we would always fight and i kind of loved it.

i don't know.
why is there so many memories of you and me?
why i can't forget about you.....
why i can't let go?
why........

my friend once told me that the guys we like, don't like us. The guys we dont like, like us.
that you were a asshole, who didn't love me deep down, but said all these things that made me fell for you anyway.
so true.
hahaha
but i don't regret it at all.
It's better to have loved rather than haven't loved at all right.
i guess, you're my first love.
(:

I'll get over it someday.
And i sure hope soon, that i'll meet a great guy(:

Probably as what they say about first loves,
i'll never get over you.and i'll never forget about you.
Oh well, thats' fine with me.
^^

there's alot of things that have been on my mind recently.

i've started to feel my own timidity and low self confidence waving back over me again
im scared.
im really terrified of how other people look at me as.
i'm tired of bearing the responsibility that i need to be a goody-two-shoes, being a class rep....
being expected to carry out my "rightful" duties.
being expected to have transmitters on all the teachers that teach us. (it's not even funny),
being expected to have spycams on everybody knowing their every move and action,
knowing when they are sick, knowing when they are not coming etc etc.

how can you say anything when you don't even know me?

when i pause, i'm just trying to express things better, so that my words don't come out blunt and sting other people.
and sometimes, when i get really relaxed,
my mouth talks before my brain processes the content,
and then i offend other people without meaning to.
Do you think i really like it?

i know sometimes whatever that i say is nonsense or crap or whatever,
i'm just trying my best effort at making a conversation.

i even thought that my confidence level have risen since sec sch.
apparently it hasn't.
because i'm still feeling the fright.
when i go up, i'll just rush through my lines and try to imagine that people ain't people and focus on something else.
apparently it's not working.

i seriously don't know what else i can do alright
nobody is perfect.
i'm just trying my best at everything.
sometimes, it gets really tired and lonely.

i don't know much.
but... all i know is.
i don't feel like i belong.
like, everybody has their destined place in their newly-made friends' hearts,
am i just one of those passerbys in their lives?

the feeling of being a class rep makes me stressed up.
i feel like im supposed to be excellent in everything, but i'm not.
i have to take care of alot of people, which is really exhausting.
i feel like a hired nanny, here to do the job and off i go.
but i'm not even hired. (what a paradox, anyway)

somehow, i see cliques forming.
maybe cliques are a good thing.
but for neutral things like a class rep position,
i can't seem to fit in anywhere.
i don't see how i belong in this class.
am i just an addition?
i feel like some sort of decorative, to show that this is the class.
the only thing common with all of us, is perhaps the only thing that i have been clinging on to.
right now, i don't know.
it seems like i'm the outsider.
and the feeling of being a outsider suck.

yeah, you may say i have friends.
so what?
friends are friends.
classmates are classmates.
best friends...... are best buddies!
so what i am supposed to do..... when all my best buddies have no time for me?
what am i supposed to do when i really want to find somebody to talk to in times of need?
what can i do?

where is the "somebody" reliable whenever and whereever?
seems like there's no one.

Running away from the memories, running away from the wounds,
my feelings seem never to fade.

You said i seemed like the dark moon, which can't see love in the dark.
The dreams we had were only dreams, with it's shadows lingering.
You said you want my forgiveness to make you feel better.
I have a place in my heart that is locked to heal the wounds.
There is no need for moonlight there.

Do you know how much i miss you so?
You started it, so it should be you to end it, right?
Why ditch what you started halfway?
Why do you wait until I had feelings for you before you decided to end it?
Why do you always confuse me so?
When i've started to forget you, you come back to my life.... acting like nothing has happened.
How can you break my perfect circle of a world and come and go as you like?

It shouldn't have began in the first place.
You shouldn't have disturbed my heart.
You shouldn't have made me pay attention to you.
I yearn for you so.
My heart calls for you many times.
I dream of you in the night, and think about you during the day.
But i guess... you don't even care.
I miss you.
alot.
more than you could ever believe.
...

我爱你。

i wonder what the heck am i doing with my life.
i got accidently "nominated" as the class rep - more of "forced volunteerism",
more of the class just randomly picked a target.
then on the first day of school, i accidently mistaken two steps as one, and almost fell (what a klauz)
and my class who saw it was laughing ttm to their entertainment.
then "oh, we picked you because you're funny."
-.-

i did it for the cca points. i thought it would be six, and its actually four.
my dream of becoming a journalist was demolished due to my inability to make it into mass comm.
i missed by two points. Effing frustrating.

i accomplished my other wish: DEBATE CLUB! (like totally finally)
Was caught in a dilemma between CADC and Debate Club.
CADC is more of a club for fun compared to the serious Debate Society.
I wanted to join debate alot, so when i saw the list of cca that sp has...
my pair of eyes immediately scrolled down to find debate.
only when cca fair then i realized got two forms: the organizating one and the real kickass stuff.
I signed up for kickass stuff - i believe.

I got into my sixth choice. It's actually quite fun in class, because most of it ain't that hard yet.
i'm having some troubles with structures and fabrics (my art sucks).
project work, assignments, tutorials - this is what poly life consisted of, no fun.

my modules are quite fine and the lecturerers are quite nice people.
found myself feeling very interested in IT Apps and Intro to HLFM.
Very simple terms to understand and very very useful ttm.

Having trouble with IDEA. Got rough idea but donno how to draw, i'll leave it to tmr.

Structure and fabrics, drawing not done & i need tracing paper.
Project work already got the research, just need to organize and type.
IT Apps got elearning((:!

Building services woke me up from my dream of no physics, when suddenly all the familiar physics theories came out
Ohm law, P = IV, E = IVt, Kilowatt hours.
Did the practical on the cables part, am starting to understand on electricity.

Tmr is debate club initation party! Yay.
(totally not enthu at all by now)

I'm actually finding it hard to blog after so long of no blogging.
I'll see if i have the time to blog.
My words seem rather... stagnant and unfamiliar to me.
Last time i could express my thoughts freely just by typing, not now.
What is going on?

The weather is killing me.
I feel like being roasted by the sun -.-
Thank god for airconditioned rooms.

Being directly straightforward is bad.
Lying to please is also bad.
So how do we really know where to strike the balance?

I miss being all theoretical and stuff.
I miss being a explorer & being curious.
somehow, i'm basically becoming a robot with basic functions of doing work.
sigh.
I miss the old me.
can you come back to me please?
i need you.

i love money.
i love $$$ but i spend too much $$$ already.
I buy groceries.
I buy newspaper.
I buy Teens and Teenage magazines. (Something to take away my boredom off)
I buy sushi to makan (FTW for unagi and salmon)
I buy snacks.
I buy milk.
I buy my own prepaid card.
I pay for my own ezcard topup.

So there's where all the money flow towards.
To newspaper stands, convenience stands, supermarkets, and to translink.
:(
I feel sad.

Working is taking a toll on me.
I'm sick and tired of working.
But i need the $$.
No $$ => No money to go out/buy/spend/eat/drink/enjoy life.

:(

Living in singapore today sure has it's disadvantages.
Without money, you can't survive :(
Feeling sad now :(

What constitutes as friendship?
What really defines friendship?

All these questions are running through my head right now.

When i think about friends, people like Kirin, Mary, Nithya, Ryan, Asyraf, Jeremy, Elaine, Alvin, Stealth, uncle roti come to mind.

Funny how i met these people, most of them are either online friends, or people that i consider friends.

I still feel very lost now. Where are you estella darling?

I went to do facial for my oily, full of blackheads face today.
zomg, now my face is v v v soft and creamy.
the procedure was.... tough.
I was like, zomg pain pain pain all the way.
Reached an conclusion after the facial: You must really praise those rich tai tai for their maintenance of skin care for their face to look good. For them, they even undergo pain for it.

Went for food at bukit timah food market.
Loads of stalls and lots of price tags too.
Conclusion? Yi fen qian, yi fen huo. You pay the price for the quality(taste) of the food.
But sometimes, the food might not meet up to your expectations.
Its' all up to the taster's taste and desire for food i guess.
Different people have different preferences, and that inclusive of food choices as well.(:
Food prices are on the rise as well, haiz.
Good food, is hard to find.
Not to mention, delicious, up to standard and cheap hawker fare.
You need to travel to taste good food one :D

Dunno why all my posts all about food, maybe its because i've been enjoying myself with food recently.
Hehehe:D